How to Gain Your S.O.'s Trust

Trust is an essential foundation for all healthy relationships.

However, knowing that you should have trust within your romance and actually having it are two very different things. Trust is earned, so it's never a given that your S.O. automatically trusts you. 

Whether you've messed up in the past or you're dating someone who is naturally inclined towards suspicion, a lack of trust doesn'have to be the end of your relationship. Keep scrolling to see how you can gain your S.O.'s trust—and maybe save your relationship in the process.

Understand the Source

In order to effectively gain your S.O.'s trust, you have to understand why they're struggling to trust you in the first place. A lack of trust often has its roots in some kind of past pain or negative experience. For example, if you or a past S.O. cheated on your partner, they're probably overwhelmed with feelings of embarrassment, betrayal and wounded pride. All these things can understandably cause your partner to lash out, creating a relationship characterized by many arguments and a general sense of volatility.

If you can understand where your partner is coming from, you'll be much more likely to keep a cool head during these seemingly irrational moments. It will also allow you to speak to those feelings specifically when trying to assuage their fears, which will much more effective than general apologies or angry retaliations.

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Be Open

If you really want to convince your S.O. that you're worthy of their trust, you have to become a completely open book. Let them know exactly where you're going and what you're doing, don't withhold information or tell white lies and don't become defensive if they question you about your comings and goings. If your S.O. has difficulty trusting you, it probably stems from some kind of insecurity that they're struggling to get over.

Whether you caused this insecurity or not, totally open communication can help set their mind at ease. Given time, they'll start realizing that you have nothing to hide from them, allowing trust to develop much more naturally between the two of you.


Make It All About Them (Temporarily)

Trust is a tricky thing to navigate in a relationship. If you're dealing with an S.O. who doesn't trust you, there's nothing wrong with ending the relationship. In fact, some schools of thought would argue that might be the right decision. But if you've decided to work to gain or regain your S.O.'s trust, you have to temporarily make the relationship all about them.

This does not mean that you should allow them to mistreat you or take advantage of you—it simply means that you have to take their feelings into account first in every interaction. This is an especially important step if you did something to lose their trust. Instead of responding emotionally to unfair accusations or focusing on the ways they're hurting your feelings, try to put your feelings to the side temporarily and focus on how to make your S.O. feel better.

It's important to note that this stage should be temporary, and should only last long enough for you to show your partner that you're committed to mending the relationship. A healthy relationship requires that an even balance of time be given to each partner's feelings, so if you find that your S.O. is unwilling to put your feelings first after a time, it might be better to move on from the relationship.


Don't Become Defensive

When your S.O. has difficulty trusting you, it's likely that they'll fling some very unfounded and often unfair accusations in your direction. While their behavior might seem completely unreasonable, trying to gain their trust requires that you not respond defensively. A defensive response will only fuel their anger and mistrust, and will probably cause the conversation to devolve into an argument, which will not at all help mend your relationship at all.

Instead of defending yourself, take their accusations with a grain of salt and try to discover the source of their discomfort. This will allow you to deal with each insecurity as it arises, and discover what you can do that will help ease their fears. Over time, your patience will likely be rewarded with a renewed sense of trust.


Follow Through

Trust isn't rebuilt in a day. It might be tempting to rush the process or explain to your S.O. all the reasons why they should trust you, but actions will always speak louder than words. Gaining your S.O.'s trust starts by following through with the little things. If you say you're free to hang out on a particular day, don't cancel on them. If you promise to text them when you get home, make sure you send them a note. These acts might seem totally insignificant, but they'll help your S.O. realize that you can be counted on. Once they trust you with the little things, trusting you on the bigger issues will come much more easily.

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Express Your Affections

Actions speak louder than words, but that doesn't mean words are of no account in the healing process. If your partner is dealing with the aftermath of a betrayal, they're likely feeling insecure about where your feelings for them stand. In order to move past those anxieties, it's important to constantly reassure your partner of how much they mean to you. Express gratitude for the little things, don't hesitate to tell them how much they mean to you, brag about them to your friends and family—all these small reassurances will help comfort your partner and soothe their worries about where they might stand with you, which will allow trust to develop, free of the impediment of their own self-doubt.


Gaining your S.O.'s confidence might be difficult, but what if you're not quite sure where they stand? Click HERE for five signs your S.O. doesn't trust you.