If Graduation Speeches Were Honest, They Might Sound Something Like This

Hello, class of 2019. Welcome to the biggest day of your life… so far.

Sharpay and Gabriella at their graduation in High School Musical 3: Senior Year

(High School Musical 3: Senior Year via Walt Disney Pictures)

I know you're probably super uncomfortable right now. Graduation gowns are itchy and hot, and you've already sat through a few random speakers. Plus what is with these grad caps? Were they just designed to make us uncomfortable and simultaneously look horrible on our heads?

Whatever, that's beside the point. Truthfully, I don't care if you're uncomfortable. I got the grades and I wrote this speech, which means you're all required to listen to me for the next five minutes. Well, you're required to pretend to listen to me, even though you're probably just whispering to your friends and thinking about your post-graduation plans.

Many of you probably don't know who I am. We may have shared a few classes together, or even had a chat here and there, but you never bothered to remember me. No hard feelings, but I'll definitely keep that in mind when I'm running my own company one day.

However, since you don't know me and I barely know any of you, I don't have any good things to say. We existed in the same space for four years, there's really not much more to it. Most you seem okay, some of you seem like jerks, but it either way it doesn't really matter. Beyond my friend group, I'll probably forget most of you even existed by the end of the summer.

So let's skip the "I'll never forget this experience," shall we? High school is fine. Other than waking up at the crack of dawn, sitting through classes you don't care about and generally struggling to stay on top of things, everything's pretty cool. Dances are okay—after all, who doesn't like to stress about their date, dress and entourage once every few months?

But truthfully, there are some good memories to be had. This is the least responsible we're ever going to be for the rest of our lives. That has to have some benefits, right? We got to hang out with our friends, slug our way through schoolwork and avoid the pressures of the real world for a while. That's why they always say to make the most of these years—it all gets about a million times harder from here.

Vampire Diaries Graduation

(The Vampire Diaries via The CW)

Which beautifully brings us to the future. Many of us are preparing to head off to college, where we'll frustratingly learn that high school didn't prepare us for anything. Others might be joining the workforce, where we'll still learn that high school didn't prepare us for anything. My point is, we're all in for a rude awakening. If you struggled through high school, just wait until you have to fill out your tax forms with no prior training or knowledge.

And should I even talk about all the friends we're going to lose? It's only the lucky few who actually stay in contact with their high school pals. You might as well start hugging your friends goodbye now because it's unlikely you'll know anything about each other post college, much less 10 or 20 years from now. I'm not saying you shouldn't have put energy into your high school social life, but I am saying that it probably won't do anything for you long-term.

Gossip Girl Graduation

(Gossip Girl via The CW)

Today, we celebrate a huge accomplishment—the official end of our childhood. What waits for us in the future? Rent checks, bills and 9-5 jobs. Why do you think our parents are so happy? They're officially tossing us into adulthood, where they're no longer wholly responsible for our well-being.

So, graduates, as we enter this new era in our lives with our heads held high, let's remember that we've still got a lot of living left to do. So let's celebrate this momentous occasion, before the weight of the real world comes crashing down on us.

Thank you.


Looking for a more positive take on graduation? Click HERE for graduation gift ideas for your besties.