The Love Doctor Reveals How to Uncrush When You've Had Enough
Most people would agree that having a crush is actually pretty exciting. Your stomach fills with butterflies and your heart pounds with giddiness every time you see your crush or hear their voice.
Even the Love Doctor, Terri Orbuch, can't deny that crushing on your classmates is a joyful and necessary experience.
But what happens when you realize that there is no future in store for you and your crush? We asked Terri what to do and she revealed to us how to move on when you're ready to uncrush.
Scroll below for tips on how to get over your crush, straight from the mouth of a relationship expert:
1. Take a Look at How They Treat You
Terri tells Sweety High that sometimes we crush on the cute guys who everyone knows aren't all that nice. Acknowledging to yourself that these boys are going out of their way to make you feel bad should put you in a place to more easily get over them.
"Here's the thing, if you still think someone is so cute but you can recognize that they're mean, then that's one thing," she says. "You don't have a crush on them anymore but you still think they're good looking, that's okay."
Acknowledging that a guy is cute is one thing, but finding yourself head over heels is a totally separate issue. Terri says that once the crush is taking advantage of you, the relationship becomes problematic.
It should be a big red flag when "they're asking me to tutor them when they're really rude and they're making fun of me in front of other people or they're asking me for answers on the homework every day," Terri says.
This is the warning sign that it's time to uncrush.
2. Recognize That the Attraction is Purely Superficial
Terri notes that most of the time, our crush on somebody reflects on their superficial attributes. Whether it's their looks or their sense of humor, she says that we're crushing on surface-level qualities that prevent us from seeing our crush's flaws.
"I think that the issue with a crush is that you really don't know the person very well and you're focusing on the positive things that you notice, usually it's their looks," Terri says. "Also, some people are crushing because the person is so smart or has muscles. You're focusing on the positives and typically it's something that you see superficially, physically."
Once you recognize that your puppy love is surface level, you're on the path to uncrushing.
3. Focus On the Crush's Negative Qualities
What's the best way to battle a person's pros? Focus on their cons! Terri suggests that we begin to view this crush as a whole, rather than a pair of beautiful blue eyes.
"Focus on all of those other parts of this person—the negatives," she says. "That allows you to see the person for who they really are; fears, faults, unattractive parts. Maybe he smells, he doesn't dress well, he's rude, he picks his nose, he doesn't comb his hair, he chews with his mouth open. That's what you have to do. That helps you to uncrush and allows the obsession to go away."
Terri also notes that negative flaws stick with us a whole lot easier than positive attributes.
"You can see the person for who they really are, which is normal," she says. "But again, if that person is taking advantage of you or not serving you well or is being rude to you, this can help you and the negatives can overcome the positives. Negatives stay with us longer, they're more detrimental to the way we see people. For every one negative we need like five positives to see that person. So we don't need many negatives."
4. Consult Your Best Friends
Even though we're caught up in all of the positive qualities of our crush, our best friends may be able to see that person clearly. Terri says they are the perfect sources to make our blurred love-vision go crystal clear.
"I promise you if we go to our friends, they are going to give you a totally different reality," she explains. "They are not going to see that person in the same light, so going to a friend and talking about this crush can be really good in helping us uncrush. They'll tell us all the bad things, they'll tell us that they've been disrespectful, they'll tell us that we're way too good for him or her."
Basically, your friends are there to ground you in reality when you're floating in love land.
5. Keep an Open Mind
While our friends are our best teachers through this process, Terri notes that it isn't always easy to listen to their advice.
"Sometimes we don't want to listen to our friends, sometimes we're not nice to our friends because we don't want to see the realities," she says. "It's a true friend who stays around even after you tell them you're just envious or you're just not seeing what I see or you can't understand and we hurt a friend sometimes."
It can be an impulse to get defensive because, hey, letting go isn't easy. But the Love Doctor sees this sort of thing all the time and understands the challenges we all face when getting over a crush.
6. Find the Right Person For You
This is the trickiest step in the path to uncrushing—trying to find your penguin in a sea of seals isn't necessarily the quickest or easiest remedy to a lovelorn heart, but it also has the greatest impact when accomplished.
"Uncrushing is challenging and is sometimes painful because when it happens we begin to see what's been happening," Terri says. "We see the disrespect. So if we can find someone who is right for us and appreciates us and is respectful and who does care about us, it would be a lot easier and less painful and a lot less out-in-the-open, so to speak."
Think getting over a crush is hard? The Love Doctor reveals how to truly get over an ex once and for all HERE.