How to Become More Talkative If You’re Already Quiet or Shy

When you're usually pretty quiet or shy, speaking up can sometimes feel like a daunting task.

Being more talkative may not come easily or naturally to you, but that doesn't mean it's not possible. Like anything else, being a good conversationalist is a skill that must be honed through practice. Even if you're more introverted, knowing how to turn that ability on when you need it can be super useful for school, work, social situations and beyond. Just keep reading for our top tips.

Enter the Space With Easy Confidence

Yes, this is more easily said than done, but if you look friendly, confident and at ease, you're more likely to attract people in any situation. Being affable and smiling warmly as you enter the conversation will often open up the others as well, making it much easier to feel safe and get chatty yourself.  Conversely, looking grumpy and like you don't want to be there will likely make people want to avoid you. The image you project sets the tone for the interaction, so make it as easy for yourself as possible.

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Start by Listening

It may seem counterintuitive, but being more talkative isn't about talking over other people or never shutting up. Instead, we recommend that you begin by really listening. Be engaged and fully take in what other people are saying. Make eye contact, if that's comfortable, and nod or make small verbal acknowledgements when you agree. One good rule of thumb is to listen just as much as you talk. Get a feel for the tone and pace of the conversation before you jump in, making the conversation seem smooth and natural.

 

Ask Questions

Asking questions is an easy way to stay involved in a conversation, keep it flowing and demonstrate your interest, even when you don't feel like you have much to contribute yourself. You can start with simple questions, asking how they've been and what they've been doing lately, before following up for deeper insights. Keep your questions light and don't pry too much, unless they make it totally obvious that they want to go into more detail.

Further, you can get curious about their topics of interest. Ask then not just what they do for work and fun, but why they're drawn to those things and what they love most about them. If you're all having a good time, do get more personal as time goes on. A little inquisitiveness can go a long way.

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Engage in Small Talk

If you're the type of person who steers clear of small talk, hear us out. For a lot of folks, small talk feel a little shallow and meaningless, but if you're trying to talk more, remember that you don't have to always say something groundbreaking or substantial. It demonstrates friendliness and interest, reminding them that you're here to chat in the first place. You truly can talk about anything, from the weather to new TV and movies to the environment you're hanging out in, or you can even compliment something they're wearing. Even if you don't find what you're saying very interesting, don't hold back.

Small talk can also be the key to helping you learn more about the other person and stumble upon a topic of conversation you will find more compelling. Find that common ground and work toward topics that it's fun and effortless for you to talk about at length. Also remember to keep the conversation open, giving others opportunities to jump in and keep things flowing. Instead of answering in just a "yes" or a "no," give responses that invite a response. Conversation-killers aren't going to inspire you to be more talkative.

 

Speak Up

We've all been in a group situation when we were patiently waiting for our chance to speak, only to wind up quiet most of the night because that pause in the conversation never came. The frustrating truth is that those perfect pauses don't really exist, and if you're going to contribute your two cents, you're going to have to simply speak up when the opportunity arises.

You may not want to be seen as rude, but talking over each other is natural, and even essential, in a group conversation. After all, no one else considers the other participants in the conversation to be rude. If you're finding that someone louder or more outgoing is always beating you to the punch, you'll have to match that energy. No one will think less of you for it.

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Make Friends

Becoming your chattiest self is so much easier when you're not trying to impress or prove yourself to strangers and instead, you're simply conversing with friends. Becoming friendly with people can be simpler than you think, so find those similar interests or opinions and build a rapport based on common ground. Without even thinking about it, this will make you feel more confident and less guarded, so that talking becomes almost effortless. Further, feeling good and being talkative with certain people can spread to your next conversation, and the next.

In cases where fitting in with bigger extroverts is a struggle, try instead looking to others who might be feeling left out of the conversation. If someone else is also not speaking as much or having a hard time getting involved in the conversation, try engaging directly with them and having your own chat to the side. You may have more in common, and won't need to involve the wider group if that's more challenging for you.

 

Learn How to End a Conversation

Getting better at chatting includes knowing that sometimes conversations don't lead anywhere, and that's okay. Just standing around in silence can feel awkward and make you less likely to open up in in the future, so instead, we recommend having an exit plan. No need to lie or come up with bad excuses. Simply let the others know it was good to see them, but you're headed off to wherever you're going next and you look forward to catching up with them next time. Whether you've got somewhere to be or just going home, it's polite and leaves everyone on a positive note.

 

See What Works and What Doesn't and Build From There

Maybe the most important rule for building any kind of social skill is that there are no foolproof rules, and you should reflect on what is and isn't working for you and build from there. If you're naturally shy, pay attention to what makes you feel more confident and outgoing, as well as what makes you feel like retreating back into your shell. Hone in on your successes and what's working well, and instead of criticizing yourself for what you're struggling with, reframe those thoughts as opportunities to improve.

Furthermore, don't take this advice as a sign that you should stop being an introvert in favorite of being an extrovert, or that being an outgoing chatterbox is better than being more quiet and reserved. There are occasions when being able to speak up for yourself or converse with different types of people will help you succeed, but if you still struggle with those skills, that's okay, too.

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