6 Ways to Be Less of a People-Pleaser

On paper, being a people-pleaser sounds like a good thing. What could be wrong with going out of your way to make sure that others are happy?

It turns out that always going the extra mile to always be helpful and kind can be a one-way ticket to burnout, overwhelm and a loss of the sense of self. Unfortunately, you just can't please everyone all the time, and trying to do so can hurt more than it helps. Like with everything else in life, there's a balance. You can be helpful and empathetic without becoming a self-sacrificial people-pleaser, and we have a few tips on where to start.

Consider the Reasons Behind Your People-Pleasing

Putting a pause on some of your people-pleasing tendencies starts with examining why you have them in the first place. Of course, kindness and helpfulness are virtues, but that doesn't mean that other people's wants and needs should take priority over yours. Do you act this way just because it's important that you're seen as generous, or are other factors at play?

For example, these behaviors might be driven by fear. You might be scared that people won't approve of that you'll hurt your relationships if you don't always do what others ask. Consider the situation in the opposite direction. Would you think any less of them or abandon them if they didn't fulfill your every need? Would you even dare to ask them for help? Maintaining a little perspective can help you avoid neglecting yourself in the name of serving others.

 

Hype Yourself Up

People-pleasing and overachieving can be a way of coping with feelings of unworthiness. Instead of letting low self-esteem drag you down and pull you into unwanted situations, try to occasionally hype yourself up. It can sound weird, put remembering to always speak to yourself in a positive way can do wonders for your mood and boost your self-belief. You're worthy of your own goals and the things that bring you joy, and that requires time to do the things that you want to do. Remember that!

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Also read about: 8 Ways to Become More Detail-Oriented

 

Set Some Ground Rules for Yourself

Knowing when to say yes and when to say no to people is a lot easier when you've already set some hard and fast rules. Before you step into a situation where you might fall back on your people-pleasing ways, think about your limits and what you can comfortably take on right now, and then prepare yourself to communicate that clearly and assertively. Maybe set some rules about when you answer non-urgent texts, calls and emails, or limit the amount of time you're able to dedicate to certain projects. The right people won't be upset with you for letting them know if something is too much for you right now. Tell them you prefer to give your all to something, and that's just not possible right now—but that doesn't mean you won't be willing to help out in the future. Instead of making excuses, just be up front with them and leave it at that.

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Acknowledge the Power of Learning to Say 'No'

Saying "no" to things might make you feel a little guilty, at first, but putting yourself first is powerful, and once you get the hang of it, it can feel good. Remember that it's not selfish to have other wants and needs—after all, do you consider all of the non-people pleasers in your life to be selfish? Enjoy the chance to reclaim your time and energy and do the things you want to do on your path to self-improvement, or just rest and recovery. Recognize the beauty of no longer doing things you don't want to do or pretending to enjoy activities for the sake of others. Also, taking care of yourself and meeting your own needs will set you up to be legitimately helpful for the things you do want to get involved in.

 

Also read about: Here's the Biggest Reason You Love to Read, Based on Your Zodiac Sign

 

Test Yourself

Going from a people-pleaser who agrees to everything to a person who asserts yourself and completely values your own time probably won't happen in a day. We recommend that you start slow. During this process, remember that if you revert to old behaviors, that's okay, because any tiny step in the right direction is progress. Try testing yourself with little stuff, where that's  just saying "no" to a minor ask, or instead asking something of the person who's always coming to you for help. Build up to bigger refusals over time, and remember you're allowed to back out of things you've already agreed to if you just can't make them work. This will slowly help you better understand your value and the importance of your priorities, so that in the future, your knee-jerk response won't be to agree to everything. Just taking a moment to think before agreeing will help you make better decisions based on logic, and not just a sense of obligation.

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Don't Forget You're Allowed to Say 'Yes,' Too

This process is all about making the choices that are right for you, so don't forget that you're still allowed to be helpful and agreeable when you've got the time, energy and will to do so. It feels good to go out on a limb for someone who always does the same for you and rarely asks you for anything, and some asks and projects will simply align with your interests in a way that would make it silly to refuse. On the other hand, keep an eye out for people who always seem to want something from you and have always been willing to take advantage of your generosity. If they wouldn't ever help you, you don't owe them anything.

 

If you found this helpful, you may also want to click HERE for our top tips on being more assertive in life.