There are two types of girls: ones who are always in relationships and ones who are always single, amirite?

If you fall into the the latter category, you may struggle to understand why. After all, people probably tell you all the time that you’re an amazing catch, and question why you don’t have an S.O. Well, it’s actually a bit deeper than, oh, you’re not flirty enough; or oh, you’re too shy. If you look around, you’ll probably notice that there isn’t one “type” of girl who’s always in a relationship, nor one who is perpetually single.

Regardless of your looks or personality, if you think you want to be coupled-up but can’t seem to land a partner, keep reading for relationship expert Tracy McMillan‘s tips on how to avoid being the girl who’s always single:

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1. Be Vulnerable

By definition, vulnerable means “being susceptible to emotional harm,” and, when it comes to dating, you have to let go of some of the inhibitions that may be holding you back from love. Being guarded because you don’t want to get hurt will prevent you from letting in someone who may want to date you.

“When you’re in your first relationships, chances are they’re not going to last forever,” Tracy—the host and relationship therapist on OWN’s new series, Family or Fiancé—tells Sweety High. “So it’s almost like you know going in that it’s likely this isn’t going to last forever. So you kind of know, ‘Oh man, somewhere along the line I might get my heart broken.’ Those early relationships are really challenging for that reason.”

Riverdale: Cheryl crying

(Riverdale via The CW)

2. Truly Love Yourself

While it’s one of the most used clichés, it really is true: If you don’t love yourself, nobody else is going to love you. Who is expected to see your real worth if you don’t do things to show you really care about yourself? When it comes to dating, you want to find someone who respects you on the same level you respect yourself, right? Not only will it set you up for a healthy relationship, but if indeed things go sour, you have a fallback: you.

“You have to cultivate the understanding that, no matter what happens, no matter who rejects you, or no matter what challenges there are in relationships, you’re going to love you,” Terry explains. “You really kind of need to talk to yourself. You have to be like, ‘It’s okay, girl. It’s okay if that wasn’t the one,’ or ‘it’s okay if that didn’t work out, because I love you, and I’m always going to be here for you.’ And when you have that relationship with yourself, you can kind of go out there and confidently date because you know that if they don’t like you, you still love you.”

We all know loving yourself is easier said than done. And as Tracy admits, it’s not easy. It’s “like a practice, like yoga,” she says.

“It’s like, when you’re in a challenging moment, when you hear yourself saying negative self-talk, you cancel,” Tracy explains. “You do not allow yourself to go down that road, to be like, ‘I’m fat, I’m ugly, I’m this, I’m that, no one will ever love me.’ So much of it is being very disciplined about the way you talk to yourself, because your self hears every single thing you say.”

Cheryl Blossom in a Booth at Pop's

(Riverdale via The CW)

3. Really Get to Know Yourself

Truly loving yourself is one thing, but really getting to know yourself is another step that’s just as important. Figuring out who you are and what you enjoy is part of what brings out your confidence, and therefore attracts people to you.

“It’s about finding your hobbies,” Terry says. “What do you love? Because when you have a really strong relationship with yourself, whatever is going on out there doesn’t affect you in the same way. Especially when you’re really young. It’s really about like, really committing to the things you’re interested in and don’t just throw them overboard because some cute person comes along.”

Riverdale: Veronica rolling her eyes while Betty and Cheryl talk

(Riverdale via The CW)

4. Look Below the Surface

We’re just as guilty as the next person of saying to our best girlfriend, “He has to be over 5’10” or “I could never date a poor dresser,” but, at the end of the day, by making your non-negotiables all surface-level, you’re automatically discrediting so many potential partners who could end up fulfilling you in so many other ways. Let’s also not forget that someone’s style can change over time—and being short doesn’t mean someone can’t shine in other areas.

TBH, we’ve lived, dated and crushed for decades, and we can tell you firsthand, the perfect specimen does not exist, so stop looking. Seeking out someone who shares your values and encourages you to follow your dreams is a much more realistic place to start! Most importantly, a relationship solely based on surface-level stuff won’t bring depth and the true purpose of dating to your dynamic.

“When you’re engaged in surface-level stuff toward another person, you can be fairly certain they’re going to be engaged in surface-level stuff with you, right?” Tracy says. “When you come from a place of a really heart-centered, loving relationship, rather than whatever is the surface, you’re more likely to meet someone who treats you in that way. If you watch The Bachelor too much, for example, you’re going to think, ‘I mean, sure, is Colton cute? Sure, but is that what’s right for you?’ That’s what you need to ask about a potential partner. Is that person going to love you? You can’t basically put cuteness ahead of the way they treat you.”

Cheryl with Toni before she gets her own red South Side Serpents jacket

(Riverdale via The CW)

Are you truly ready to be coupled-up? HERE are the best reasons to want a relationship.

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