How to Build Healthier Habits in a Codependent Friendship

Best friendships are so important, but at some point, over-reliance on each other can cross the line into codependency.

Codependent friendships happen when two people lean on each other a little too much, to the point that they're no longer self-sufficient. Further, a power imbalance tends to occur, where one person sacrifices their own wants and needs in favor of the other person's happiness. Before long, both parties get tangled up in a cycle in which neither person can grow, and they both grow more drained and resentful in the process. Even when one person is benefiting more from the situation, it's not ideal for either of them—but it is possible to break this chain by developing a healthier relationship. Here's how.

Recognize the Situation

Simply knowing this codependent dynamic exists in your friendship is the first step to mending it. Since you're here, we're guessing you've already come to that conclusion. There are a number of telltale signs of this kind of relationship, including two friends relying entirely on each other for emotional support and validation. Chances are that you don't have any other close friends, and while one person is consistently a people-pleaser, the other has a constant need to get their way. Slowly, this can morph into one person neglecting their own desires entirely in favor of the other, because they feel responsible for their joy and well-being. It can feel like one person always needs rescuing, and the other is happy to drop everything to save them, perhaps fearing that the friendship will end if they don't give 100% every time. Both friends wind up needing each other for different reasons, and their individual senses of self can wear down.

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Get on the Same Page

In order to break out of codependency in a friendship, both people have to get and the same page and recognize the problem, as well as to agree to do something about it. They must agree to share their burden of the responsibility and take steps to work together to fix it. This isn't always the easiest thing. It can be challenging to be vulnerable and open to changing the status quo, and there may be some resistance. However, it's important to recognize that if one person refuses to put in the work, you're extremely likely to fall back into the old patterns.

 

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Set Some Ground Rules

Once you're in agreement that things need to change, it's critical to set some ground rules around the friendship,  both recognizing some well-defined lines that you won't overstep. In developing these boundaries, consider the way that your codependency might be impacting other aspects of your lives. For example, you may want to make time for more personal space away from each other or create rules about fixing each other's problems or making your own decisions for yourself. Remember that this is not about cutting each other out but creating a healthier balance by limiting unhelpful behaviors and impulses. These can also change over time, but only if you both believe they make sense and can take about new needs as they arise.

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Be Open and Communicative

Throughout this process, open communication will be essential. Remember that you are friends, first and foremost, so if things are challenging it's okay to discuss and hash things out with each other, as long as you both commit to not fall back into codependent habits. Make time to hear each other out, but always defer back to the rules if there's ever disagreement on how to move forward. Be kind and consistent, but not a pushover. Just because one person tries to built the other or build an emotional argument doesn't mean they win and everything should go back to normal.

 

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Understand the Root Causes

In breaking out of this cycle, it can also be helpful to reflect on the root causes behind the codependent dynamic. Why does one person always feel like they need to give the other person what they want, and why does the other continue to take advantage of this? Fear of being alone or a need for validation can drive these emotions. Each person should consider if and how they benefit from this relationship in any way, and how that might be unfair or harmful.

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Work on Developing a Sense of Self

As you work toward being less codependent, you might struggle to figure out what to do with your time, space and energy. The first step is to better define your sense of self and who you are when you're not seeking the other person's approval or help. What are your goals in life? What do you value, and what endeavors brings you happiness or satisfaction? These might be tough questions when you're used to factoring another person into them, but understanding the things that nurture your mind, body and soul are important in leaving behind that dynamic.

As you prioritize your own wellness, you might also want to make time for other people in your life. Maybe you want to reconnect with old acquaintances you still want in your life, or your broaden your social horizons by making new friends or getting involved at a community level. At the same time, check in with your friend to see that they're doing the same. They, too, will benefit from exploring their own interests and goals in life. Encourage them, without doing the work for them. In time, you can both become your own rescuers and share a friendship that's not about give and take, but balanced and authentic affection.

 

Trying to meet new people and make different types of friends? Click HERE for our top tips on being more friendly.